No More Skipping Steps

I am thoroughly experiencing the basic stages of dating only at age 30.

Yes, during my younger years the getting-to-know-you stage was often integrated in the commitment stage. I always had whirlwind romances. Thanks to my desperation. So steps 1-2-3 are hurried and are usually experienced in conjunction with the new boyfriend status. Thus, I had a rich history of short-lived "relationships".

What I am appreciating now is that the getting-to-know-you stage ushers you into a process that involves a lot of soul searching regarding your readiness, your needs or wants, your character and your compatibility with the person. And when you stay longer in this stage and keep yourself from jumping into a commitment, you also have the advantage of studying the person you are dating: his emotional capacity, the common subjects of his conversations, his use of time and how it reflects his priorities, his readiness to accommodate another person in his life, etc.

My recent dating experiences taught me that the spark I have with someone can only take me up to a certain point. When the fireworks fade, your heart becomes quiet, raw and honest. It will tell you if there is indeed a deepening affection, a real presence of love. And in the grand scheme of things, fueling love will require understanding of this person and appreciation of who he is, what he offers and what he means to you.

The getting-to-know-you stage is a process we must undergo. It can be frustrating when things don't go well and you are forced to go back to square one with another guy. But it can be rewarding when your bf doesn't only feel right but is actually a good match for you.

Made Not Only in Heaven

I'm a sucker for love stories.

Lately, I've been exposed to a love story in progress. Boy meets boy at a party. They like each other. Goes out. Boy #1 heads to province. Boy #2 follows him after getting tired of long distance calls and hundreds of text messages. They are now together officially, on their way back to Manila with similar bracelets that signify their new status. Not to mention the big smiles on their faces. This is what I am learning:

One, it really takes a long while sometimes to find that one person that will make your heart jump and be completely bewitched by his presence in your life. It's divine to fall in love. The spark between two people is a rare gift one cannot order or manipulate.

Two, when God gives him to you, the ball is in both your hands. You are both in-charge of making this love story beautiful. You can't just lay down and wish it on you. There is a difference between a love story you read or watch and the story of your life. The latter requires you to get up and do something to develop this gift into a thing of beauty.

Being a hopeless romantic means that while you long for and believe in the "awww" moment, you also know when it's time to stop just imagining things. While one person may initially lead the dance, the other person will learn that he can't just be dragged to it. He should also start moving, maybe following but eventually creating new steps too for both of them.

If you are starting your love story, don't be lazy. Use your "kilig" and your creativity to pursue each other. Don't be passive and just wait for him to make you feel special. Galaw-galaw. Constantly think of ways to make him feel special too. Cultivating love means some amount of energy, time, resources, creativity and effort. It is both your responsibility to turn this into your own magical love story.

So write that mushy letter, bake that sweet cake, put that necklace around his neck or sing that song to him. Whatever. Do it. Don't stop.

Rethinking Courtship

Courtship is a two-way street.


We are used to the idea of courting between a pursuer and a “pursuee”. This connotes the idea that the pursuer has stronger desires to be with the pursuee and that the latter is a passive participant in this process.


This maybe true for some but nowadays courtship is between two people who BOTH want to explore romantic possibilities with each other. BOTH persons have the responsibility of exerting effort in expressing fondness, reciprocating sweetness and proving that they are BOTH sincere in their intentions.


Ang problema minsan sa mga bakla, gusto mag-maganda. Nagpapaka-Maria Clara sa panahon ni Eva Fonda. Or minsan plain selfish, narcissistic. Laging iniisip ang kung ano ginagawa ng “manliligaw” para bigyan siya ng magandang pakiramdam at nakakalimutan na meron din siyang parte in proving himself din as a person worth the efforts and emotions. If nagpapakilala siya ng sarili nya, ikaw rin nagpapakilala sa kanya.


Para lang itong pakikipagkapwa, do unto others what you want others to do unto you. If you only think of your emotions, your happiness and your context, then you are not ready to be in a relationship where giving, showing, considering and understanding another soul is a requirement. Be single na lang where loving yourself, being sweet to yourself and embracing yourself is the norm.


If you want him too, galaw-galaw ka naman! Paramdam ka! Help nurture what you are both feeling and wanting to achieve in your budding relationship.

One. Two. Three.

One. You are the soul that I always wanted. And I still wonder what happened to us. You are my serenity. Now I am retracing old steps while taking new ones between us. I want to be surprised.

Two. You are my security blanket. The one that tucks me in at night. I feel warm and positive about the future because it is safe and stable. Your warmth is my good night's sleep. I want that to be enough.

Three. You are the sweetness that rocks my world. I am captivated. With you it is all extreme. Highs and lows. You wake up the pursuer in me. I am in a rollercoaster ride with you. I want to regain my balance.

Too Much, Too Great

Gerardo recognized his voice.
Jonas told him: I only wanted to hear your voice, it's me. They kept silent.

Jonas told him that everyday without exeption, without ever trying, his image came back to him. He was trembling. Gerardo remembered that voice and felt sorrow.

After that they did not know what to tell each other.

And after that Jonas told him... He told him that he regretted that he still loved him...
that he would never be able to stop loving him...
that he would love him until the day that he died...

Jonas then heard Gerard weeping in the telephone. He cried too.

Gerardo lay on the bed, he kept on crying... remembering HIM and remembering the oblivion of love itself.

Remembering the horror of oblivion.

--- From the film "El Cielo Dividido" (Broken Sky), Mexico, 2006
Written and directed by Julian Hernandez

For the great soulful loves that will never be enough...

Cleansing Ritual

Tonight I had a good cry. I sobbed heavily.

A lot of things caught up with me today. I was able to wake up early and go to church. There was no mass. It was just me and a few other families. They did "The Way of the Cross" while I opened up my long kept Bible to reflect on a few passages of scripture. I miss my quiet times.

Back when I was in college I was a different person. Being gay then was something I had to overcome by having a close relationship with God. I rebelled a decade ago and missed out on the spiritual closeness I once enjoyed.

Today I cooked again and went to the market with mom. Two things I haven't done in a long time. Cooking for others gives me joy and spending time with my mom in this very mundane task is surprisingly heart warming especially that I have my niece begging us to buy her buko. And then I slept soundly the whole afternoon to make up for the puyat the past weeks.

A few hours ago I unleashed my 2 decades worth of anger towards my mega kontrabida aunt. For once, I indulged my inner dragon and let out the fumes. I've been carrying this rage quietly for so many years now. It finally needed release. Bonggang bongga nga lang. But at the end there was forgiveness. And sobbing.

I felt cleansed as I let the shower drown my cries and rinse my tired body. I am relieved. Now I'm breathing again.

Stopping, Looking and Listening

Mod Red is taking a break.

Not only in observance of holy week but for my own sanity, healing, understanding and self-respect.

I am taking a break from a whole lot of stuff not only in my job here, which I so love. If I only have the power to let the world stop for a few days while I catch my breath, I would do that. But I only have the holidays to recuperate and breathe deeply.

Red as a person, a family man, a worker, a friend, a romantic is going to take a hike. I am taking my own advice and those of my friends to just find out how and where to start loving one's self when you are in the context of dating, friendships, crisis and other entanglements. I also want to update myself as to who I am now.

This is hoping that I go back processed, with a strong psychological and emotional capacity to start afresh. And resume my personal relationships with a greater sense of identity, direction and confidence.

There is a point in a series of roller coaster rides where it is just too much. You need to puke. And so I must. With gusto!

Too Shallow

Love is more than 3D.

That is what I took from a recent conversation with a very smart and hunky friend. He is one of those online chums that I enjoy blabbing to because he is a deep thinker. Anyway, he was trying to talk me out of my slight depression and low self-esteem. I wondered then if it was really possible for someone gorgeous to take genuine interest in me even if I am just a commoner.

In this conversation, I realized that I have subscribed long enough to the shallow thinking that attracting love is all about looking like a magazine cover. I forgot to consider many other factors that go beyond physical attraction. I only assessed myself on one quality and forgot that brains matter, character, personality, emotional maturity, direction and stature in life are all points of attraction too.

After the initial fireworks die down, one will always look for other more important things that make you want to entrust your heart and your life to someone. And at the end of the day, these are the ones that sustain a relationship.

If one is seriously looking for real partnership, then the many dimensions of a person should be taken into consideration. You will have to learn to love more than one facet.

Finally, one thing that I realized is that I need to appreciate and believe in who I am, what I have and cultivate them before others can be truly captivated by my natural charms. :-)

Getting Ready

Most of you who have been dating around may have heard your date (or yourself) say, "I don't think I'm ready..." To be specific are you:

Not ready to make a commitment to faithfulness. Not yet ready to be emotionally engaged. Not ready to NOT date other people. Not ready to make the efforts in dating, proving one's self, cultivating trust. Not ready to strongly hope, to want someone badly, to change routines now.

Not ready to be accountable to one person. Not ready for drama. Not financially ready. Not psychologically ready to unintentionally hurt someone and face another round of guilt. Not ready to fail again. The list goes on.

Is there a way for us to help ourselves move forward from not being ready now to being ready sometime in the near future? One thing that would help is probing deeply into the real reason why we are not ready. That way, we know where to start addressing our issues.

And we have to address them proactively. For the sake of our own happiness and for that somebody right and special who maybe waiting for us to be ready...

So saan ka ba hindi ready and why?

More than Mundane

I always say that my room is a reflection of my soul.

When it's cluttered and dirty, most likely I am too preoccupied with lots of stuff. This happens usually when work consumes me. If there is something I am passionate about, like building this site on its first weeks, I find comfort in the mess. The room looks busy and in a whole disarray. This can also mean that I am troubled or struggling with some issue.

When I clean up and re-arrange this means I want to start fresh again. I have seasons of tidyness. I want everything in order and desire to have enough space to walk. During these times I value breathing spaces. Usually my mind is at peace when everything is in its proper place. When I re-arrange stuff, it means I am bored. I crave for something new in my life.

I welcome Holy Monday by fixing up my room. I go through the motions once again in the hope that today and throughout this lenten season I will be able to fix my life again. Pick myself up from instability, uncertainty and get back on the right track. Tidying up and re-arranging is a spiritual ritual to me. It's sacred.

What object, space or ritual reflects the state of your soul now?

A Frog's Prob

I am struggling with my self-esteem... I feel so ugly.

It's a perennial challenge. I hate it when it attacks. It's when I look at myself and think that I am not enough. And that I despise myself for being fugly. That I am not worthy and will never be loved because I am not gorgeous.

Why do I keep on believing that true love can be found only if I am stunning? Why do I feel the need to work out and improve my features just to be worthy of someone's admiration? Why can't I believe somebody when he says that I am likeable as I am?

Insecurities. I have lots of them. I am searching for a cure. Love yourself is too broad an advise to help me. "How" is the question that needs to be answered. How do you accept yourself for being born with this face, this imperfection... and the limitations that come with it?

You Are Reason Enough

Age and heartbreaks have a way of changing how one loves.

I miss floating in mid-air... I miss the butterflies in my stomach...
I miss the kind of emotional attachment that makes me cry just because it is there...

To feel that, especially in a mature age is like receiving a rare gift. You feel undeserving but nonetheless grateful. Enjoying the moments it is there. For I know enough that it doesn't last. I don't mind the expiration clause. I only am thankful that one person can make me feel alive again...

Listening to an all time favorite... The Song Bird sings in my heart again, on and on and on...

You are reason enough for me to go on living...
You are reason enough for me to smile again...

Seek and You Shall Find

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me...

Here is a room full of men. Crushes abound.
When he hits back on you. You get the rush.
The dream begins. Is he the one?

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me..

Meanwhile...

Fuck and fuck until you succeed.
Motto of many single gay guys.
No judgment. Just is. I get by with a little help from my dates.
Until the ultimate fuckable prince comes. Why not?
Works for some.